The Longing Gets Long

Lavanya Addepalli
6 min readApr 26, 2019

“Hi…! What’s up? How was the office today? I had a long day doing nothing as such important some merger work going on. I am the only one with nothing to do while others had so much to do. It feels weird at times when I am the privileged one in the office while all my fellow employees have no time to even pee….”

Oie.. aagara babu…! I had to ask him to calm down as he was going on ranting about how free he was in the office. Whereas on the other hand, I had a day where I literally had no time to even sip a coffee… No idea how many times I would have filled up a fresh cup and left it on the table just to cool down. Every time I passed by the break room, I smelled freshly brewed coffee what a divine feeling it was but had to only pass and couldn’t have the pleasure of indulging in the finest Arabica. The few seconds of silence, somewhere on the other side, maybe he was also enjoying that silence that was just priceless. Words fall short to describe when you know there is someone with you who also may be feeling the same as you… “How I wish you were here with me right now… Just stand with me in the balcony… Stare at the horizon and talk about how the city was falling asleep while you and I are discussing all the clichés” and I said that out loud this time. The moment of realization when you know you were supposed to keep few things inside and not blabber out just like that. The silence continued from the other side; I suppose it was something unexpected for him too. Here I am embarrassed, confused and every other adjective that fit in, I cannot even disconnect the call, it would be rude. The silence continued, the void of sound from the other side was eerie. It felt like a suspended moment where everything I could see was gone blur and all my ears only wanted to hear from him. I couldn’t think of anything but “what if…?” The what if can lead to shallow conversations and eventually to nothing and maybe also, we may end up not talking to each other at all. What if he did not expect this from me… Like any other girl I was thinking why I did screw up, at least I had a great friendship with him why did I have to bring it to the bridge? What if he is not ready to cross that bridge with me yet or if at all? Too many questions clouding my brains, everything gone blank as if the photograph where shattered glasses don’t move. Everything is still and calm, I could see he was online but not speaking.

“Something!! You said?” He finally broke the silence, not taking any chances of repeating anything I simply replied “just a busy day”. He continued speaking as if nothing happened as if he did not hear me. Now that was killing me even more did, he hear me? What I was saying and pretending as nothing happened. Why do I put myself in such a misery, I wish I could have taken back what I said? Well, whatever I said I did mean it, I really wanted him here to spend time with me. Every minute I would have cherished him being there just being there and say nothing, may be only listen to me, let me keep talking endlessly about any nonsense from fox news to twitter trends or anything and everything. “I wanted you here because that feels right & you being elsewhere isn’t right”. No wonder people say why girls are confused and indulge too much in anything and everything. And I was totally confused, I barely listened to what he even was saying. My thoughts were consuming me, he is too precious to lose but again the same “what if”? I went with the flow of conversation and finally we disconnected.

I stood there too many thoughts, no idea what exactly I was thinking about. Don’t they say thoughts are the blank spaces to run the slides of pictures from back days? Something that we want to remember about. Why was that I couldn’t remember anything but feel horrible about whatever happened. Just so if someone tried to make a visual display of my thoughts all they would see was the crazy chaos, everything points to one damn thing. The twists and turns of the thoughts in my head scare me, they might damage the dearest people in my life.

My thoughts were wandering infractions of mind those destined to go untrodden. With one of the busiest days I was tired too much and finally had to hit my bed. I was hoping to sleep with dash of it, but instead “tossing and toiling staring into the hollow, missing a part of me that looks like your silhouette”… I kept it that way. It was as if the night has no end, struggling to fall asleep this was something what people talk about the 3 am thoughts which resemble the soul torture. You cannot get out of the thoughts, neither can you get a peaceful sleep. Tossing and turning from one side to another, “pitch dark & absolute quiet, after all the rights and wrongs… An eerie feeling of void, the silence now feels poison”. This silence was getting more and more scary, the endless train of thoughts in my head have reached the capacity. My brain was getting heavy from the overrun and the feeling of numb had been just no feeling at all.

It was a futile tussle of endless thoughts made it more and more difficult for me to get any sleep… I stepped outside into the balcony… Leaving my long hair tumbling around the shoulders… My pale skin illuminated in glowing full moon… I inhaled the cool air with closed eyes and experienced a silent smile… The cool breeze swept me off to another realm leaving me with a hollow feeling… Far off in the darkest of the midnight I heard a bird singing a beautiful tune for which the tress shook delicate and stars twinkled in harmony… I just stayed there forever lost in thoughts and spent sleepless till dawn. It was almost the wee hours; I was tired beyond I could acknowledge. I dragged myself to the bed hoping least to rest my stiff back.

“In the warmth of tangerine & blushing scarlet of dew drops, like a gift to the world, the sun rose in the sky”. Finally, the sun has risen, it’s a new day with new light, but the same old thoughts & worse feeling. My head hurts as if I have been through a brain surgery without an anesthetic. Its 6.59 am an alarm will blow at the end of next 60 seconds. Should I go to the office or should I call in sick. Can handle a day all by myself at home alone? Won’t that make me go crazy more? But it feels like I have been through a war and every nerve of my body is aching with pain, a feeling of grief and heavy head. The phrase of “get up, dress up & show up” is most suitable for the days like today. And its 7.00 am slapping the alarm off, “they say people get done a lot by 7.00 am, what if all I wanted to do was trace your lips against mine & in the process not hurt anyone”. Not that bad, right?

Message From Ritu

“Every thought of you is constantly amazing, the longing for you is simply endless. It surprises me to think if you are also longing for me…”

Message Read By Anish

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Lavanya Addepalli

“Wandering Researcher” .. Student by profession... Human by heart with clusters in brain.. Travel & Music Lover, Foodie, Ghost Writer