It Hurts More To Say “NO”

Lavanya Addepalli
4 min readApr 25, 2019

In the series of nights waking up with nightmares, some haunting for long and others, keeping me awake until the dawn. Falling asleep was an everyday struggle sometimes music helped and other nights lyrics felt dearer but there were nights where the silence between the notes was more eminent. They’re so many distractions around to take my mind off and yet I struggled to fall asleep every night. Days & weeks passed and so did months nothing seemed wrong, but wasn’t right either. I am the soul with full of life and activities, yet a piece of my soul was wandering. It was wandering to explore some unknown destinations. It was a constant struggle to identify if it was wandering for a person or was it yearning for a new place where no one knew me. The sense of the un-belongings was growing on me & in no time had become an integral part of my personality. It looked all neat and sorted to the outer world, but the chaos was within, the wanderer in me was constantly chasing for the peace while in conflict with the night & daymares.

One of nights with scary daemon’s nightmare I woke up panting from chases in the dream. I know it was a nightmare and not a real thing, but the anxiety was real the quest for the peace was real. Sleepless nights grew longer distress thoughts become stronger and now I was so numb that any song with wonderful music or great lyrics was just a sound falling on my ear drums but nothing was registering. And then… I heard a beep…. It was a message beep from one of the most unexpected persons never thought I would be receiving any reply from her. In my struggle of sleeplessness receiving a message from her was like the first rain after scorching summers, refreshed and delighted. I replied her and we kept exchanging messages until the dawn when we fell asleep. This continued every day. In the due course we met and by then I already started feeling Home every time I was around her. The longing and the meetings increased day by day. A piece of my soul was experiencing the peace that the wanderer in me was searching for. The thirst was more than it could be quenched.

The friendship soon turned into something dearer and sense of care and affection slowly but with a great difficulty in accepting turned into a tender a love. It was so unreal that there was a constant fear if it was just a flickering spark which would extinguish with a strong breeze or a drizzling rain. There were torrential rains and howling winds, but the once felt flickering spark had already turned into a cozy lantern where I started feeling warm and home. The gleaming lights, illuminated the forgotten happiness and unburden me from chasing the nightmares. The trust established in its own way drawing me closer to her and I started resting there. I kept slipping in love for her it was all dreamy and unreal until the day she asked me to be there for her…

I knew she was there for me, but was I there for her? Or even was I willing to be there for her like she was there for me? Million set of questions kept revolving it was too late to pull back myself from her, but that sense of belonging was scary equally. Was I ready to put my roots with her? It was all fun and joy in the air, but was I grounded to stand with her? The thought of being grounded and rooted was scary and felt suffocated. The wanderer was just resting, but the search for the peace was not done. It started again, it started feeling as if the vacations are over and schools have started with exams right on day one.

The day came very soon when she made me break my silence once for all and asked me to be her’s forever and I said “NO”. She felt disowned and made her furious, but saying that NO to her shattered me in million flickering sparks which had no life after. She went through an extreme emotional trauma and piled up anger towards me. To me it felt like the love she had for me evaporated faster than the tears in her eyes. I knew well that I had ripped myself away from her and she did not deserve that, but I on the other side had to let this pain of me and her seep in me because the wanderer in me was still searching for that missing piece of peace in me.

I sense her untold pain and agony even when she said she forgave me; I saw the strongest of her courage in forgiving me just as if I was the small kid who had made a silly mistake. But it was getting heavy on me to take her forgiveness for the huge mistake that I have made. My guilt grew taller and darker masking my personality. I am left with one of the two choices, either die with the guilt and make her free by showing how coward I was for her or just vanish out of her life just like the darkness of the night. But the love she gave me made me stronger to fight my demons. In a constant struggle with sleepless thoughts I was back to square one fighting the demons & chasing the peace. But there was one last thing I wanted to ask her and I wrote to her with no hopes of a reply.

Message from Varun

The Day you learn that I am not around anymore… I’ll still be there around you… seeing & watching over you… But will you still spare a thought about me…?

Message Read by Kavya

--

--

Lavanya Addepalli

“Wandering Researcher” .. Student by profession... Human by heart with clusters in brain.. Travel & Music Lover, Foodie, Ghost Writer